Bailey Garner:
Hello, Father, how are you?
Toby:
Bailey Diane Garner Slough, how are you?
Bailey Garner:
I'm good. You should pronounce it the right way though so people actually know how to pronounce your last name because otherwise you're gonna have people calling you Toby Slough.
Toby:
Well, not if they've met your grandfather or my father, who says slough rhymes with plow. But I get called
Bailey Garner:
Yeah.
Toby:
slew, slough, slaw. That's my favorite slaw. That's why I wanted to name Ross Cole, because I thought Cole slaw would be awesome, but it's slaw.
Bailey Garner:
Very good. Slough. What you up to this morning?
Toby:
Oh, you know, just a typical morning for me, doing a little plumbing, you know, doing a little medical work on my head where I banged it while I was doing plumbing, you know, just typical morning around my house.
Bailey Garner:
The thing is that's not typical because just so y'all know And this is not a bad thing, but growing up if something was broken we used the Yellow pages to find someone to help us and so I'm very impressed with you dad that you Started becoming a plumber
Toby:
Well, let's just put it this way, B. I went to fix the broken toilet, and the plumber shall be coming.
Bailey Garner:
At least you tried it.
Toby:
Yes,
Bailey Garner:
How
Toby:
again,
Bailey Garner:
did you hit your
Toby:
A.
Bailey Garner:
head?
Toby:
Bailey, I don't know if you remember me telling you this, but one day I was with you and you said, Dad, you're limping. And I said, yep. And you said, what happened? And I said, well, when you get older, you just don't know. It just happens. So I'm not really sure what happened.
Bailey Garner:
Yeah.
Toby:
Until I looked in the mirror and went, wow, I banged my head.
Bailey Garner:
That's okay. I have a question for you before we get started with our serious topics.
Toby:
Well, just remember, Prissy's watching the clock.
Bailey Garner:
Um, this month we have probably six to eight birthday parties to go to between our kids.
Toby:
Mmm.
Bailey Garner:
And why is it that- There's like none in the summer or whatever or in the even in May, but all of a sudden in the fall You've got a million parties including our own birthdays, but like what is it about that?
Toby:
while they're all there in the school year?
Bailey Garner:
Yeah.
Toby:
Well, I guess nobody got
Bailey Garner:
I'm
Toby:
bored
Bailey Garner:
sorry.
Toby:
in the summer. I mean, we'd have to go nine months back and talk about that a little bit. I don't know.
Bailey Garner:
Oh, I just I don't understand it.
Toby:
I miss
Bailey Garner:
But.
Toby:
those days. That was one of my favorite things, was taking you guys to birthday parties.
Bailey Garner:
I know you told me that last time you were in town and Grant took Gideon to a party and you shamed me for making him go instead of me.
Toby:
Well, I mean, it's like, I don't know any of these people. Grant doesn't know these people. You know these people because you know their kids. And so
Bailey Garner:
I'd.
Toby:
we go to these parties, a bunch of dads, and basically look at each other like, when is this going to be over? And try to make small talk.
Bailey Garner:
I just feel like we should take turns so tomato anyways full schools in full swing when this drops it'll be October which I love October I love the fall what's your favorite season of the year
Toby:
Well, I would say the fall, but here in North Texas, we get about four days of it. But anything when the temperature, the high temperature is below 70 is my favorite time of the year.
Bailey Garner:
Okay, I just love everything that happens in the fall. Football season, Halloween, kids' birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Toby:
Yeah,
Bailey Garner:
all the things, so
Toby:
I love
Bailey Garner:
fun.
Toby:
that
Bailey Garner:
Heh.
Toby:
too, but I associate that with cooler weather. Like, right now in every store there is Halloween candy and it just makes me mad. It's like, if I wanted to pick some up early, it would melt before I got home. It's 106 in the shade here today.
Bailey Garner:
You just need to do it. I do. I just turn the air down after grant leaves of course and then I put on a sweatshirt and pretend it's cold outside.
Toby:
That's a good plan for sure.
Bailey Garner:
Oh man, well anyway, so
Toby:
Sorry,
Bailey Garner:
they
Toby:
Percy.
Bailey Garner:
could
Toby:
She just went on and on, Paris. It wasn't me.
Bailey Garner:
Okay, the kiddos are back in school and we're back in the swing of things and we talked a lot in the last couple episodes about transitions and I'm sure that's gonna happen throughout the whole school year. But I wanna talk about some things that happen once your kids are in a rhythm and this has come up with my kids in different ways. But just when your kid basically decides... They don't wanna go to school anymore. And you know, I think that can be displayed as defiance but also it could be that there's some underlying things that are going on, you know? And so I'm just really trying to find that balance of, you know, not giving in, because obviously I'm not gonna let them skip school, but like not,
Toby:
Wait,
Bailey Garner:
you
Toby:
let's
Bailey Garner:
talk about this.
Toby:
stop right there. Before, because someone may be new to listening to this and actually believe that obviously you are not going to let them stay home from school. It's not so obvious. You have been known.
Bailey Garner:
That... when? I did not do that. One time Gideon told me he was sick and I believed him and he wasn't. That's only happened once.
Toby:
Okay, keep going, I'm sorry.
Bailey Garner:
Anyway. You talk a lot about like the line of you poor baby and don't be a baby.
Toby:
Right.
Bailey Garner:
Did I get that right?
Toby:
Correct.
Bailey Garner:
Okay. And so I wanna talk about how to find a middle ground with that because I don't wanna negate my kids feelings that they're feeling nervous cause maybe they're worried about. a kid at school and we don't know, or maybe a test, you know, and they're feeling pressure to perform or maybe they're having separation anxiety. But I just struggle with knowing, like, how do I, when do I give them tough love and when do I have empathy? Do you know?
Toby:
Yeah, I would say, I mean, a lot of things. I would say, I don't think you would ever regret having empathy for your child. But empathy does not lead to the land of yes, either. What we teach is that, you know, I grew up in the don't be a baby, which would mean there was never validation. There was never, let me say it this way. There was very little validation. There was very little empathy. There was more. I mean, you just didn't bring it up, because you knew what was going to be said. Get your in the car, we're going. So that's the don't be a baby in that, but I think we've overreacted to, oh, you poor baby, that we're seeing something around every corner with our child, which it's the same behavior you exhibited, it's the same behavior I exhibited, generations have. And so I think we always begin with validation. You know, one of the things that I think is so important, you've been to our seminar and you know, it's that our children do not get the message that they shouldn't feel a certain way. That's what I got a lot of, well, you shouldn't feel that way. How you feel is how you feel. We're trying to teach our kids how to deal with their feelings, right? And so... I mean, we just talked about birthday parties. The greatest, I wouldn't use that example in this case, but the greatest example, the first question you need to ask when your child is indicating they do not want to go to school in a more intense way than a normal kid just, I don't want to go to school, that ought to be for you a signal that you need to investigate a little bit. And you need to ask them, why do you not want to go to school? tell me what's going on besides you, it's boring or whatever that you don't want to go to school. And when they begin to tell you that they have a test that they're worried they're not going to do well in, then you tell them about a time that you worried about something that didn't happen and how God helped you. And so when they hear you say, I get it, but you still have a boundary for what they're going to do. In other words, when I feel frustrated, when I feel scared, When I'm not getting my way, when I'm intimidated, it is hard. And I want to validate the fact that that's hard. But you can do hard things because God is with you. And I know this because I've had hard things just like that. And I've fought it with everything I had, Gideon. But I was able to do it because God helped me get through it. And He can help you too. That's a much better way of being empathetic. and understanding, but taking them back to the fact that God is with them, that they are conquerors, they can conquer this. And now you're beginning to build into their DNA a healthy way to respond to adversity in their life.
Bailey Garner:
Yes, I think that's great.
Toby:
I mean, does
Bailey Garner:
But
Toby:
that
Bailey Garner:
I,
Toby:
make sense
Bailey Garner:
yeah.
Toby:
to you?
Bailey Garner:
It does, I just am thinking about a few times that I've done it, especially with two of the kids and I hear back. no I'm not a conker, no I'm not, you know, or school is stupid, I don't need it for anything. And I try to be very calm and like say the things you said and then they just don't listen and I'm just like don't react, don't react, don't react in my head, you know? And so I think that's also when it's hard because I'm like trying to instill, you know, and relate to them and then they just basically are like whatever mom. You're dumb.
Toby:
Which, again, this is an opportunity for you to help them. You're helping build boundaries in their lives. Like, they're going to be frustrated when they hear no. You're frustrated when you hear no. But there's a boundary in how you respond when you hear the word no. There's a core value in your home of respect. How do you teach a child respect? When they're disrespectful. in whatever form or fashion it takes, you correct that behavior by letting them know that respect is a value. And it never comes up until someone is disrespectful. And so I know it's frustrating. Trust me, I've lived through some of that. I had Gideon in a dress in my house, and our Esther Pick, I mean, same thing twice. It's for a strong will. That's you. But it's worth continuing along. And here's the other thing I would say, is what's the goal? Is the goal for them to get it, or the goal for you to consistently send a message in a way where you're casting your bread upon the water, as the Bible says, and it doesn't return to you void? I think sometimes as parents, in our flesh naturally, we get. discourage because at a subconscious level our goal is for them to receive it in a certain way. Well, that's not our job. That's God's job. Our job is consistently deliver the message. And that's easier said than done. I'll be the first to say, but you know, wisdom is dumb tax, man. And spending sleepless nights wondering what you're doing wrong as opposed to going back through, have I been consistent? Have I been consistent? What am I doing wrong is an indicator of a focus on how the child is receiving it and responding to it. Have I been consistent is something you can control.
Bailey Garner:
Yeah, that's good. I will say, I think you mentioned this on one of the last podcasts, but I have been trying to spend intentional time with my kids before bed, which is not always easy because I'm pretty much ready for my alone time, if you know what I mean. And, but I noticed that it's very hard with all three kids to get one on one time because they're just, there's so much they need and three kids, so. I've been trying to spend time with them. And I will say, especially with one of my kids who is way more introverted and not as willing to tell me things, he's opened up a lot more with the, when I spend time with him. when he's calm and he's not right after school and upset and you know he can kind of reflect on his day and we do this thing where I ask him you know like did you have a good day at school and he gives me like a thumbs up a thumbs to the middle or a thumbs down because a lot of times he won't tell me the words but it's actually opened him up to talking more he'll do the thumb thing and then he'll tell me a little bit more and I find too that A few nights I've forgotten and he's like, wait, we need to do the thumb thing. I think our kids are really begging us to listen, but we just are so busy and we're well, I'm well-intentioned, but you know, trying to get all the things done and it's hard to stop and listen sometimes. So that's something that I didn't know would be helpful in hearing about what my kids are struggling with, but it has been, so. Maybe someone could try that.
Toby:
You know why that's become so important to Micah in the middle? It is showing the power of consistency. This is what consistency does. The reason he's asking, hey, wait, are we going to do this? Is because you've been doing this. And I hope what it says to you in the middle of that chaos, and I've seen it, I've experienced it personally, but I've seen it with you. is it ought to strengthen your determination to be consistent. That the nights that you don't want to go in there, that you're too tired, that you're ready to have your moment, that may God honors that consistency. You are planting seeds, and you're going to reap a harvest of them. Lots of things, Bailey, you can't control. But you can control how consistent you are. Not perfect, but consistent. And I think your children become consistent because you are consistent. And so I hope that's what that says to you is wow man, he wants to do it. Not because it's a cool thing. It is a cool thing, but because we've done this so many times.
Bailey Garner:
Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, I uh, I think it is encouraging and I do Try to remember that but there's harder nights where I'm like, but anyways, I appreciate that encouragement Um, when do you feel like is it what if it's happening over and over again our kids having you know? anxieties about going to school and we've tried all this and And what do you feel like the next steps would be if it feels like it's not getting any better?
Toby:
Well, I think at some point there's, you know, I don't know what your phone is doing, by the way.
Bailey Garner:
Seriously talking to me. What the heck, I don't understand.
Toby:
Hey, Siri, we're in the middle of something. You know, I couldn't find we're in the middle of your music library. You can ask me to play a radio station or ask for your music. I didn't even know I had Siri on this thing. So that's what I know.
Bailey Garner:
Sorry.
Toby:
So the question is, you know, your child continues, it continues to be a battle at what point, you know, do you decide you have to do something differently? And you know, one of the things that you've heard me say a million times at Gobi is that, you know, counseling therapy, someone outside the home is a great option. It just shouldn't be your first option. And so if you've gone through a season of, man, we've been working our way through these things, we've been doing these things. I don't, I'm not seeing any progress. I've been consistent. Then probably another voice is something good, whether it's pastoral, you know, children's pastor at a church or one, you know, a lot of churches today have pastoral guys that have gotten some level of education when it comes to that or. a therapist, sometimes a school has folks that we can talk to. And it's not that you're inadequate. It's man, I'm always wanting other eyes on new initiatives that go. But I'm always wanting outside opinions on from experts on things that I'm doing. I mean, it's why I spent time this morning on YouTube and TikTok trying to fix my toilet because I was wanting to hear from some people who, you know, trained in it was the same principle. And so. When you have been consistent over a period of time and you see, you feel like, you know, we focus on progress, not perfection. And so we don't see perfection, but you're not really seeing progress. You seem to be stuck. It may be time to just get an outside voice.
Bailey Garner:
Yeah, you know, some people might not know this, but I was a teacher in my former life before I made kids. I got my degree in early childhood education as my dad would call, what did you tell me? Scissor cutting, paper coloring. I can't remember, you would give me a hard time. But anyways, and something I think too to remember is talking to the teacher about. you know, letting them know what's going on because they might have some insight that you don't have. And like, I know when I was a teacher, I wanted to be a team with the parent and, you know, I wanted to. work together to help them make sure that their school experience is good and that they're you know, they're having a positive experience and so that's something else too I would add is to just you know, talk with the teacher and tell them you're on their side and that you really want to figure out what's going on with your kid because there might be some stuff they're noticing that you know, they can put together if they don't know that they don't want to come to school you know. So yeah, I think that I just hope people know that this is normal and that You know, I'm not a pro, but I have three kids and they all have gone through seasons of not wanting to go to school and being nervous. And sometimes it's consistent with like a few, with one of mine and then the other times it comes up randomly and that's when I kind of have a ding is something going on, you know, at school.
Toby:
Yeah.
Bailey Garner:
So.
Toby:
We watch for patterns, right? I mean, look, man, until I started playing sports in junior high, I could care less about school. I didn't want to go to school either. So in a lot of ways, it's natural, especially for boys who aren't as social as girls who can't wait to get there and see their 21 friends. Like, fighting through this. But what a great opportunity to teach. are kids that resistance is what builds resilience. And your kids become more resilient because they have to do some things that are hard for them. So it's
Bailey Garner:
Mm-hmm.
Toby:
all good, B.
Bailey Garner:
Yeah, well, we'll get through it. And next week it'll be another thing that I have to ask you about. But I appreciate you giving your insight and wisdom in that because I think it's probably something a lot of people are facing. So is there any thing that's been on your heart that you wanna encourage young parents or whoever listens to our podcast, you wanna end with an encouragement?
Toby:
Yeah, I think my encouragement today comes from Paul who says, let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. And sometimes, man, you just outlast your kids. It's just how it works. But God is working even when you think what you're doing isn't working. He is. And uh. He is not leaving you on your own. We do not have a, well, that serves her right kind of God. We have a God who is encouraging and is there with you. And believe that some of the best work that he's doing in your kids is things that you cannot see. You have everything you need to be everything God has called you to be as a mom and as a dad. I believe that with all of my heart.
Bailey Garner:
That's good. Thank you, Dad. Appreciate it. Well, I hope you have a good rest of your day and that you get your toilet fixed soon.
Toby:
Yeah, I'm probably going to, you know, spackle some things and, you know, patch the roof and, you know, change out a few hoses on the car. You know, I'm just manly things. You know me.
Bailey Garner:
Oh yes, good luck with that. I love you.
Toby:
Love you too, baby. Hope you have a great day.
Bailey Garner:
You too. Love you!
Toby:
Love you!